drained

You know that feeling when you cry and cry and then are just exhausted? I have felt like that every single day for the past 20 days. Many of those days I did cry, and cry myself to exhaustion, but even on the days when I did not, I still felt that way. I have put more effort into the pursuit of spirituality and self-help in the past 20 days than I have in 12 years. It has been a tiring process. It will catch up eventually, but I’m still treading water and am feeling very drained from it.

I had a surgical excision for the recently discovered melanoma today. I couldn’t see what it looked like at all. Just as well.

I also made a huge, stupid mistake at work last night.

I need to go back to Mass I guess. I will go in the morning tomorrow. I cry every time I go. I’m so tired of crying, but I guess I need to keep going at least until that stops happening.

melanoma

I have a melanoma again. Surgery to remove it will be on Thursday morning.

I had hoped that by staying off FB while I waited for the results, I could somehow affect the reality that was already in play. Silly.

It did help to take a week off from FB, but only in that it kept me from posting my anxiety while waiting. A week off here was harder than it should have been.

No more tanning bed for me. I dyed my hair black. I like pale skin better with dark hair. Maybe I will remember to wear sunscreen to keep the contrast. I definitely don’t want to end up with a tan line from my running shorts. Super strong SPF, here I come.

I’m fine. I processed all the emotions when I had another, larger melanoma, in a worse location, a year ago. But if you are tanning or planning to get a tan over the Summer, don’t. Please stop tanning before it catches up with you.

If you have any moles, get them checked regularly by an exceptionally good dermatologist. If a doctor says “that one looks like it is not a problem” about one that concerns you in any way, get a second opinion. The first doctor I went to said they were nothing to worry about.

3 cuts

I just left the dermatologist. I had to go for a scheduled checkup. She scraped off 3 moles which she is afraid may be melanoma, one of which was quite big that she was really concerned about. I will find out the results of the biopsies sometime in the next couple of weeks.

The interesting thing was that I had just thought about cutting myself, something I had not thought about in ages. I guess I don’t have to do that now, so maybe I should be relieved about that.

I hope the biopsies are fine. I don’t want to have another surgery. I’m cancelling my tanning. I will just dye my hair black and be able to do proper goth makeup again, on pale skin. Honestly, it’s too bad that I ever tanned. That was John’s suggestion, what he chose to do, and we were inseparable at the time, so I followed suit and we became the sparkling sequin-clad teased-up hair bleached blondes that set the goth club roaring back at us for our defiance. Admittedly, it was fun at the time. Look what the cat dragged in. Oh well.

Food Safety

I spent over 5 hours yesterday lying on the floor and vomiting into a bag. All I can come up with was some Oat Milk creamer that was dated Oct. 29.

What I do also did wrong was put it in my coffee the day before (Monday) and drank a few sips then let cool, then heat the coffee in the microwave then forgot about it all day long. At the end of the day I took it from the microwave and put it in the fridge. Yesterday I reheated that same cup and drank it halfway, let cool a few hours then topped off with cold coffee and more expired creamer and reheated and drank a bunch of it. A couple hours later I was violently ill.

It wasn’t until after hours of puking that I realized the date on the creamer. That’s all I can think of that it could have been.

I know better from food safety training not to do that with food temps. Food needs to be hot or cold and not let to sit out like that in between for so long. I had done this many times before but I guess with the creamer already being expired it was a breeding ground for bacteria.

I never did even finish that coffee yesterday and had stuck it again back in the fridge. This is it. I’m about to throw it out. I’ve already thrown out the creamer.

I feel ok today I think. I still haven’t drank or eaten other than one sip of water with my thyroid meds. The room isn’t spinning though, so that’s promising.

I should have known that it didn’t look right. It looked like this yesterday too. Don’t drink your coffee if it looks like this. Check your creamer.

I think I’m going back to black coffee for a while, whenever I’m able to drink anything again. I don’t feel like coffee at all today, or food for that matter, or water.

4000 Days

4000 Days ago I made a decision and stuck to it. It was not easy at first; I had tried many times prior and failed. But this time I would not fail. Today, I celebrate that.

I have seen the other side. I know every single excuse there is. I know how difficult it is to change. I also know it can be done. Unfortunately, I also know that no matter how much you love someone and want them to make this change, nobody will do it until it is their time. I know that from the reverse of the role I face now. Some people have not suffered enough yet. Some people never reach that point. “When the pain of the pain becomes greater than the pain of the change, we make the change.” I was lucky enough to reach what I considered rock bottom. But I was an extreme case. Many find themselves in the socially acceptable middle ground, where it is easy to hide the truth about themselves and about their habits.

I am done with that kind of suffering. I won’t allow anyone too close to my heart who is locked into these patterns because I know that to do so is to suffer it all over again with them. I honor my decision and also respect theirs by not muddying the water of a love affair, or even a very close friendship, with the painful projections thrown by an abuser. I will keep my emotional boundaries. I can be there for them but I know better than to think they are capable of the same. They are not present enough to do so.

I am familiar with the patterns so intimately that I can sense them immediately. The slightest change in voice or behavior, or sometimes nothing tangible at all, alerts me to the weakened signal. It hurts me to recognize it, but I must be thankful for this gift. I know that it protects me. At all times, under all circumstances, whether I like it or not, the world will obtain balance. I prioritize reason and remain steadfast through the pendulum swing, with my anchor in the knowledge that I have slain greater beasts than the loss of coveted affection or attention and I shall always be able to do so for one day more.

X marks the spot

Pernicious prophecy portended by the razor’s slice, stigmatizing an apoptotic abandonment.
Reminding me that part of me is dead inside, by my own choice and of my own hand.

Nothing is real here anyway, on this side of the veil. That all ended years ago when I crossed over.

As of today, however, that part of me is gone and I am all the better for it. Goodbye, Scratch.

Teaching Pigs to Fly

My running performance and, thus, my excitement about running a full marathon has steadily waned since October 2019, when I got really sick in Chicago right after running the marathon. I’m sure it was a kid on the bus the day before, coupled with the cold windy weather and immune suppression of running a marathon that did it, but I digress. Sure, I did run a few marathons since then, but none of them were good experiences at all. I’ve suffered ailment after ailment and just gotten slower and slower. I’m not entirely sure why, either, and it sucks.

I had been supposed to run Boston in April 2020, having qualified with my Marine Corps Marathon time from 2018, but, as you probably know, it was cancelled. I did the “virtual” Boston that year only, and I mean only, because it was Boston and because that year nobody was allowed to do the virtual if they had not actually qualified and met the cutoff time for the in-person race that year. Then I did the Publix Atlanta Marathon and it was also pretty miserable, as was the Chickamauga Battlefield Marathon. It’s just not as much fun when I’m not as good at it. I don’t know what went wrong. I think probably I felt defeated when Boston was cancelled and then just emotionally checked out. I spoke verbal curses along the lines of “I missed my only chance”, stupidly. I’m working on being better at controlling the verbal spells I release into the void. I know better. I formally retract that statement. I did not miss my only chance. I didn’t even believe that when I said it. There is always a way, even if that way ends up being aging up a bunch of times or running for a charity. If I want it badly enough, there is a way. I didn’t miss my only chance. I only missed that one chance. Fine.

This year I had chosen to use my deferred entry from Chicago 2020, so that was already on the books. I really was hoping for a better Chicago experience this time, but with the way things have been for me as a runner it just didn’t seem all that hopeful. I had been registered for the Publix Atlanta Marathon, which took place on February 27, but I decided to switch to the half marathon distance instead in early January after Winter and the ongoing cascade of suck persisted. I’m glad I switched. It rained the whole time. Despite that, however, I didn’t have a terrible experience during the half marathon. I wasn’t fast but it wasn’t awful. It was much better than the Red Nose Half had been on January 9. So, I made a decision that day and I registered for the Flying Pig Marathon on May 1 in Cincinnati, to get me prepared for my Fall Marathon training season with a warm-up race. This strategy worked very well for me in 2018, when I ran Buffalo Marathon in May and then achieved my PR and Boston qualifying time at the Marine Corps Marathon in October. It seemed appropriate also to choose this one over the other races around the same time, since it felt like pigs would fly before I ran a full marathon again. Well guess what, pigs are gonna fly.

That means I have not a whole lot of time and have to jump right into the part of marathon training where it all begins to get very real, with 8-10 mile runs on Mondays and Wednesdays, 6 miles or so on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and 18-22 miles on Saturdays from then until race day. Now all I have to do is convince my body and mind to play along.

We’re currently in the first week of that, the week after the Publix Half Marathon. It hasn’t gone well for me at all this week. I don’t know exactly what has caused the ailments I’m experiencing, but they’re not unfamiliar to me and I imagine they are all related in some way. I’ve had gastrointestinal issues all week, bad insomnia on 3 of the 4 days so far, water retention, joint pain in my knees and wrists, something like a slight UTI for a couple days, a little hint of a sore throat today only, and headaches every single day. So what the hell is causing all this? More importantly, how can I override it? Obviously, I don’t know the answer to that, but damn if I’m not going to do everything I can to overcome it.

I’m pretty sure it boils down to some sort of systemic inflammation. My guess is that it is related to Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which I have. That can cause leaky gut, which can cause systemic inflammation, and it can also cause insomnia. I also probably didn’t give myself enough recovery after the race before jumping into working out and training. But, I had to get on the training schedule because time is short. The only thing I can really control is diet, which I have cracked down on as of today. I don’t think I had been eating poorly this week, but maybe it was just enough to trigger a problem and Hashimoto’s was waiting and ready to be a jerk about it and to make it all worse.

What I am certain of is the truth about marathon training is that it is mostly emotional, mental, psychological, and to a lesser extent physical perseverance that will get you through it. I want this. I want to rise from the flames. I’m done suffering and I’m done having an unpleasant experience doing my favorite sport. So, I press on.

This morning I couldn’t run at all. It was 50 degrees, so theoretically ideal, but I was more in the mood for something warmer. I overdressed. I couldn’t catch my breath. I walk-jogged and my heart rate was pushing 168, which I don’t even usually reach in a race unless it’s at the final sprint. I cut it short. I did 2.25 miles instead of the 6 I was supposed to do. That’s not ok. I was very upset.

This evening, I set out to get the rest of my mileage in. You just can’t skip mileage during training and expect a marathon to go well. You have to put in the work, period, or you can not do it. Thankfully, even though whatever is ailing me has not vanished yet, this evening went slightly better. I did still have pain in my knees, which means that inflammation is definitely running rampant in my body right now because I never get that. I’m also still retaining a ton of fluid and my gut is still all backed up, but I did not walk and my pace was, although not good, a closer approximation of normal. I will teach the pigs to fly.

To whatever is causing the inflammation that has been making me miserable lately, know that I will defeat you. Do you even know who I am? I’ve been to hell and back with greater beasts than you. You can not beat me. You think you can make me suffer? I will beat you into submission so hard that you will forget your safe word.

I’d like to extend my gratitude to: the weather in the upper 70s (which allowed me to run in shorts and a t-shirt), the handful of supplements I took, the gallon of water I drank, my stone cold determination to get the mileage in one way or another, someone special in my life who has been very supportive to me recently, the humor in the thought of “teaching pigs to fly” as motivation, and my Eminem playlist for getting me through it tonight.

Breakthrough Covid

Covid Log

20211127 evening very congested and very tired, bad headache

20211128 fever – went to have a PCR test, 100.00 developed into 101.7, I was freezing with chills, slight nausea but not to the point of really believing that I would vomit, still congested (took Sudafed, which helped), tired, headache, so cold, eyes hurt, sedated myself with NyQuil and ambien, took benzonatate for slight cough, bunch of vitamins, extra vitamin D, took another dose of nyquil in the middle of the night, couldn’t even watch movies I was too miserable. Pulse Ox dipped to 89 during the night.

20211129 test results came back positive. slight chest pain, occasional (rarely) cough, slight congestion, slight diarrhea, headache with pressure in eyes – more on the left, 100.5 fever, so cold, brain fog – what was I doing, more vitamins and water, took a hot Epsom Salts bath before bed

20211130 99.7 fever upon waking (still medicated from NyQuil dose in the middle of the night), cough, congestion, headache, eyes hurt, vision blurry. throughout the day cough got worse. dayquil is not helping with congestion. should have taken sudafed instead.

20211201 98.5 fever upon waking, theoretically normal but my normal is 97.6 so I’m still not quite there, still medicated from Sudafed and Benzonatate but feeling noticeably better today, noticing dry mouth as a symptom that has been going on (not sure since when, at least the past couple days for sure) and I didn’t place it before. As yesterday, cough got worse over the course of the day. Still sneezing a lot and congested even with the Sudafed. My thirst is unquenchable; I can’t seem to get enough liquid in me to make it go away. occasional chest pain persists

20211202 last night took Sudafed and Benadryl and that really helped. I slept very well. Woke up completely drenched in sweat. Feeling much better today. Not congested nearly as much, sneezing way less, no fever. Pulse Ox dipped to 93 during the night., still have that weird occasional chest pain, the dry mouth persists, temp at bedtime was 97.3, which is low for even me (normal 97.6)

20211203 woke up feeling pretty good. Went for a walk jog and felt ok, other than my upper molars hurting when I started to run (a sinus toothache). My heart rate response was higher than normal, especially at the beginning, but I took it very, very easy and walk-jogged. Did 4.5 miles. In the late afternoon, I became congested (but not really mucous as much as inflamed on the inside of my nose). I didn’t take anything for it and just decided to wait until bedtime to take meds.

20211204 again woke up feeling pretty good. Went for a walk-jog. I split it in 2 parts. I did 4 miles then came back and cooked and ate lunch then went back out. Teeth still hurt from sinuses and the cardiac response was greater than normal. I did a lot of walking, but I did get in 10.6 miles.

20211205 again woke up feeling pretty good. The sinus issue that was causing tooth pain is still there, as I could tell by shaking my head “no” quickly. I didn’t try to do any exercise. I had no real symptoms today other than the sense that there was a minor sinus presence. I was somewhat anxious for most of the day but that was likely unrelated and the anxiety went away by evening.

What I did to get better as quickly as possible: I’m sure I can thank the vaccines primarily for the quick recovery and for not having had a worse experience. Probably my strong lungs and cardio base also played a role. However, I also did every trick in the book that I knew of from the moment I began to not feel well onward to try to hurry this along: vitamin d 25mcg three times a day, 2000 mg vitamin c three times a day, 2400 mg Turmeric w/ Curvumin twice a day, 2000 mg Omega 3 twice a day, 600 mg N-Acetyl L-Cysteine daily, 600mg Kyolic aged garlic extract daily, 2000 mg magnesium L-Theonate daily, 200 mg selenium daily, 90 mcg MK- 7 daily, 100 mg B-1 daily, 100 mg niacin daily, 500 mg ginger root daily, MegaFood “Blood Builder” Iron supplement daily, zero dietary sugar except for fresh oranges, zero processed carbs until 2 days ago and that was gluten free pasta only, high protein daily, fresh vegetables with olive oil daily, almost a gallon of water daily. Without the vaccines, I’m sure none of that would have mattered, but in conjunction with them, I’m sure it all helped.

Also, and I’m not sure if this helped or not but it is what I always do if I get a fever (which is very rare), when I had a fever the first 3 days, I didn’t take anything to reduce the fever except for when I went to bed. I kept myself very warm (even though I was freezing with chills). That may or may not be helpful, and it’s probably not advised, but it was at the highest 101.7, so not dangerously high, and I wanted my body to work through it and get whatever benefit it was designed to offer.