The Misery Game.

I have said this so many times in a different way: “Comparing our suffering only compounds it.”

When I’ve said it personally, I referred to it as “The misery game.” I had noted it verbally to try to help someone close to me after observation of his emotionally manipulative and psychologically abusive relationship with his girlfriend. Of course, my wisdom has never been heeded. Those bound by the chains of manipulation seldom listen to anything or anyone from outside their prison.

Regardless, it was striking to hear this quote echo my own words and belief. That has happened another time in The Sandman series as well, which is how I found my way back, a couple days ago, to 7 lines of prose that I wrote in my journal on Christmas 2015, entitled “I am hope.”

dream – fish in my bathtub

I dreamed about fish in my bathtub. First there was a small goldfish, then another small goldfish, then a slightly larger, colorful fish.

I sent somebody, a female friend I guess, but nobody in particular, to get me a bucket, so I could get the fish out and save them. I would put them in the canal. (The bathtub was in the family room of the house on Siesta Key where I grew up.) Eventually we got a bucket, but more fish kept appearing in the bathtub and she was trying to help get them in the bucket for me. So many fish. There were a couple large catfish outside the tub on the carpet. They didn’t appear to be moving and I wasn’t trying to save them. But the goldfish in the tub were becoming more and more.

Then I noticed Jessie Bella, my African Grey parrot who died in my arms in 2018, was also in the tub. I reached down and grabbed her and pulled her out of the water. She spit up some water and then was ok. Then I saw Ziggy Star also in the water and I pulled him out. He was also ok. He flew into the kitchen and perched atop the refrigerator.

I told the people in the living room to make sure to keep the door closed because Ziggy Star might get scared and fly away. Jessie Bella never would do that, so I didn’t mention her to them.

My friend continued to help me remove the constantly growing number of colorful goldfish from the bathtub by putting them into the bucket. Then she pulled an Avon box (of Mom’s) into the bucket from the tub and was trying to get those things out and dry. I said that’s not a fish; that’s not what we are trying to save.

That’s how the #dream ended and I woke up.

dream – lost oar in cloudy water

I’m very depressed today.

I spent much of the morning crying. Hard crying, like I haven’t done in months.

The dream I woke up from this morning was that I was in a little boat, like a canoe or something, in water that was I guess the ocean (not a lake or river). There were mountains on the side. The water was grey and murky, not even blue at all, and I dropped my oar. I wondered how deep the water was there and if I could possibly just retrieve it from shallow or if it had fallen into the abyss and was gone forever, but I was afraid to get in the water because it was unclear, so I was just stuck. The oar was gone and I was not going to try to get it. I woke myself up.

The water is still grey and the oar is gone.