When I was sicker than I have been in years, recently, someone I cared about insisted that I give them 3 things I was grateful for. I played along, but it literally took me almost an hour to come up with them and I never felt good about the answers I gave. I’ve been unsettled by it, and by that person, ever since. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt and credit good intentions for their effort, because I did perceive it as such at the time. I was unable to continue to do so, however, after seeing the follow up behavior of that person in the subsequent several days, while I was feverish and miserable and really suffering it became truly apparent that it was never about trying to help me feel better. It was always, and only, about them. That was a disappointment that shook me more than I expected it to. I am attempting to release that pain through this writing.
Gratitude is a strong emotion, and it’s valid and powerful, but it’s also defamed on a regular basis by well-meaning people in the interest of pursuing “good vibes only.” Attempting to force it does not work and may undermine the purpose of the exercise.
I don’t think it counts as gratitude when it comes to mind as being grateful that something worse isn’t happening. The underlying focus of that “gratitude” is the bad thing, which discredits the purpose of stating the gratitude, because of where it aligns your energy. This form of redirected gratitude that “thankfully things are not worse” gives unnecessary energy to the worse scenario, that you are thankful not to have, but which you might not be focusing on if you were not so intent on declaring gratitude in a time of suffering. That is a time when you could otherwise productively use your energy to be present in the situation and thereby hope to persevere through it.
Don’t think of a white bear. How did that work out for you? Right.
This is what is wrong with the “good vibes only” idea. In order to maintain the “good vibes only” status, you have to be in constant judgement and comparison, ever bringing to mind the very thing you are trying to avoid. That takes a lot of bandwidth, even if it is at a subconscious level. I feel like this creates spuriousness in people claiming to be so purely positive, because they constantly have to assess whether or not a given situation is good vibes only or not in order to reject those which aren’t. If not at a surface level, at a deeper level, this constant assessment and judgement shatters their entire persona, which is based on an unattainable pretense. That incongruity manifests in relationships and creates unnecessary division, the mirror of the forged reality of the individual.
So, I will instead experience life fully, moving through the muck as needed. I can live in integrity this way. It feels more real to allow all the vibes and navigate the experience of life with skill rather than abandon. Take the red pill. Welcome to the real world.
the space between the notes 