Month: April 2022

prime magic

47… Of the years of my life that remain which end in 7, this is the last one whose digits will add up to 11. Craps is my favorite game at the casino, where seven and eleven are winners on the coming out roll. I usually bet the pass line. Winner 7; I won.

47 is also prime, which lends itself to another kind of magic. A year indivisible, reflecting identity and retaining power. This year is a fundamental, irreducible factor in the product of my life’s trajectory, and a cryptographic key to the secrets of my purpose.

Emerging from the valley of 46, I welcome the approach of the next peak. I will not summit this one alone. I have granted my heart permission that I have denied it for over a decade. I’m starting to believe some things are possible again, despite my own resistance. The world finds a way when it is time; its metronome measures my cadence.

In the undulating, harmonic progression of fate’s song, this year is a bridge. Hold me close as we dance through the changes that give rise to the chorus. Here, in the magic of prime, lives the space between the notes.

4000 Days

4000 Days ago I made a decision and stuck to it. It was not easy at first; I had tried many times prior and failed. But this time I would not fail. Today, I celebrate that.

I have seen the other side. I know every single excuse there is. I know how difficult it is to change. I also know it can be done. Unfortunately, I also know that no matter how much you love someone and want them to make this change, nobody will do it until it is their time. I know that from the reverse of the role I face now. Some people have not suffered enough yet. Some people never reach that point. “When the pain of the pain becomes greater than the pain of the change, we make the change.” I was lucky enough to reach what I considered rock bottom. But I was an extreme case. Many find themselves in the socially acceptable middle ground, where it is easy to hide the truth about themselves and about their habits.

I am done with that kind of suffering. I won’t allow anyone too close to my heart who is locked into these patterns because I know that to do so is to suffer it all over again with them. I honor my decision and also respect theirs by not muddying the water of a love affair, or even a very close friendship, with the painful projections thrown by an abuser. I will keep my emotional boundaries. I can be there for them but I know better than to think they are capable of the same. They are not present enough to do so.

I am familiar with the patterns so intimately that I can sense them immediately. The slightest change in voice or behavior, or sometimes nothing tangible at all, alerts me to the weakened signal. It hurts me to recognize it, but I must be thankful for this gift. I know that it protects me. At all times, under all circumstances, whether I like it or not, the world will obtain balance. I prioritize reason and remain steadfast through the pendulum swing, with my anchor in the knowledge that I have slain greater beasts than the loss of coveted affection or attention and I shall always be able to do so for one day more.