I never typed these up. I wasn’t really feeling it, but they’ve been sitting on my desk and I’m tired of looking at them. I had considerably fewer gratitude notes in the jar for 2023, and I peeked in the jar and burned 2 of them, because, frankly, they deserved to be burned. This is what remained. I don’t know if I am going to keep doing this or not. The jar is empty for 2024 so far because, honestly, it has sucked. Getting sick the beginning of the second week and then finding out it was covid and having to miss out on the Houston Marathon did not start it off as I might have hoped, especially after the person I was talking to, who claimed to be all “love and light”, showed themselves for who they really were by how completely insensitive and downright mean to me they were when I was miserable with a fever. That was when I needed tenderness and empathy, but all they had to offer was selfishness and distance. That is when I realized they were not true, and not who they claimed to be. Maybe that is why I got sick, so I could see that side of them before I got any deeper involved, emotionally. That is part of what has soured me on this process: it’s fake. People who claim to be “good vibes only” all the time have done nothing but bring the worst pain into my life. I’m better off without them. As such, I don’t want to proport myself as one of them with the idea of gratitude notes. I don’t know; I might continue the gratitude jar in 2024, but right now I just want these ones from last year to not be on my desk anymore, so here they are.
- 20230620: I had a great weekend diving with friends and saw some cool new (to me) cave.
- 20230724: I’m grateful that I had such a wonderful experience with my trip to San Francisco for the marathon.
- 20230811: Today I am grateful for those who have the decency to do the right thing when other people behave horribly. There may be hope for the world yet. (* I don’t remember now why I wrote this note.)
- 20231029: I’m so grateful that I am making progress towards faster marathons again. I had a really great race in Indianapolis.
- 20231030: I’m very grateful that my replacement drysuit arrived in time for my trip to Mexico.
- 20231130: I’m so grateful that I have been able to increase my mileage. My training is going well.
- 20231204: I’m grateful for the inspiration I receive while running.
So, there. I completed the task.
2023 was quite a year, true to “23” indeed. That number is never on the sidelines. It always has something to offer. Last year was no exception.
The year started days after I found out my Mom had died, and the ensuing drama and difficulty between my brother and I was more than a little unsettling. Our relationship was permanently damaged from all that happened during that time. Although we are again on speaking terms, it may never be the same. It also started with me having a broken foot, which happened the day after I found out about my Mom’s death. I was in Mexico, and I fell down the stairs with my double tanks on. It was awful. I couldn’t run for months. During a period of such extreme stress, that made everything so much more difficult.
I learned to dive a rebreather in the beginning of the year, after having started learning towards the end of the year prior. I never thought I would go that route, but things have changed a lot since the days when I swore I’d never dive one. Units have gotten much safer, and it is a much more common practice. I wanted to do it because of the extra gas and time it would offer me for longer cave dives, and potentially deeper ones as well. I had the opportunity to learn, so I decided I should do it.
In mid-March I learned that my relationship was likely about to be over. He broke up with me immediately after my birthday, for someone else. They were hanging out while he and I were together, and she was actively pursuing him, and he was stringing her along the whole time, both of them waiting for an opportunistic moment. She moved in with him as soon as he broke up with me. It sent me into a pretty deep downward spiral emotionally, although, in retrospect, she did me a favor. (That took me a long time to realize.)
The beginning of the year had already been all too much pain to deal with.
Then I had a second melanoma found, which again required surgery. For the first half of the year, and in particular the second quarter of the year, I was at a low I hadn’t known in years. I cried constantly. I couldn’t sleep at all.
Thankfully, soon after that I was able to begin running again. Once again, running saved me. I signed up for a marathon and I ran it with very little training. It went pretty well, all things considered, and so the same day I finished it, I signed up for another one. This was the way I was going to pick myself back up. I had done it before, in far worse circumstances, and I would do it again.
I continued to struggle with depression, but at least I was training again. I completely immersed myself in running. Shortly after my 3-year anniversary at work, my awesome job got even better as I took on and successfully completed an important migration project. Things were looking up. I was still emotionally down, but I persevered, and life was becoming more supportive. Slowly, the buoyancy of my spirit began to increase.
During the training for that next marathon, I became better friends with someone who would change my life. She was in the 50 States Marathon Club. Talking to her and hanging out with her helped me immensely, and also made me decide to join the 50 States Marathon Club myself. I had to complete one more state before I could join, so I signed up for my next race and the next phase of my life began.
After that is when I began writing the above notes, except for one (one of the burned ones), which had been from February. The other burned note had been from November. Both were for things, and related to people and feelings, that were not based on anything genuine, and as such I sent them to the hell from whence they came.
Maybe 2024 will inspire me to write some more gratitude notes, or maybe I will just get rid of the jar because I don’t want to be anything like the “good vibes only” people, who are nothing but a lie. I’d rather have and share all types of experiences in my life than be a phony. I am what I am, and that includes all aspects of me. I would not trade any of them for the plastic smile of a courtier. Plastic melts. I am solid. I have survived infernal fire already; you can’t melt me.
I had a good run yesterday, 23.32 miles. I’m grateful for that. Let’s start there. I’m not making a paper note to put in a jar yet. Whether I do that anymore or not is yet to be determined.
the space between the notes 